New Beginnings.... Well Kinda

Father, it has been 11 months since I have posted on my blog. I would say ten Hail Marys, however, I don't have any Rosary Beads.

Every once in a while I get the urge to go on some prepubescent diatribe. This urge usually materializes somewhere between vodka number one and vodka number three. Hmm... I guess that would technically be vodka number two. Anyways, back to the diatribe. Let's start with a short, but true, story.

So a good friend, who happens to be recently divorced, and I were at a local bar. Something we do probably no more than twice a year. He, being a smoker in a non-smoking-in-public state, wanted to go outside for a smoke. Myself, being a former smoker, sympathized with him and accompanied him outside. As we entered the patio area of this bar there were two people outside; a guy about 25'ish who looked similar to Herman Munster and a blond girl the same age who looked nothing like Herman Munster. I noticed they both were facing each other and texting on their cell phones.

Not really thinking too much of it, my friend and I began discussing the atrociously loud and shitty live band. Lucky for us they had just started their set. Then all of a sudden another guy flamboyantly burst out the bar doors and came out to the patio with a shit ton of alcoholic beverages. The inventory was something along the lines of three beers, three shots of some girlie concoction (I'm sure with an equally girlie name like "A pink and purple nurplet") , and three mixed drinks like Jack and Coke.

Well, the man wench at this point had peaked my interest. I asked the obvious question, "what number do you text to have the bar deliver drinks?" Rather harmless question, at least I thought. Man wench and purple nurplet giggled a little and introduced themselves. I think their names were Jack and Jill. My friend lit up another smoke. Herman, standing in the back, was silent for a good five minutes. I now, upon further reflection, believe he was engaged in some kind of Tantric sex meditation with his cellphone companion.

Either way, Herman finally decided it was time to express his displeasure with me and my friend and our "constant staring" at him. Well he said just that, "What the fuck you staring at!" Hmm... rather curious, since at this point he had been so deep into his sex trance that we forgot he was even there. It is quite possible that he could have been passed off as one of those life sized wax figures. So naturally, to avoid any confrontation this early in the evening I say, "Huh? What the fuck is this dude talking about?" My friend had no fucking clue either. We just shrugged our shoulders and decided Jack and Jill weren't really that interesting to begin with. Apparently, there was no number to text the bar.

At this point, my friend was almost done with his smoke and we both could use a refresh. Well, Herman, being the consummate optimist, decided he didn't want to pass on a chance to engage in a little man-on-man rumbling. His first tactic was rather innovative. He looked at me and exclaimed, "You're a four eyed pussy." Well shit, that took be by surprise. Besides being a lame insult, I don't wear glasses! What makes this point particularly interesting is that my friend does. So naturally I had to ask, "Are you talking to him or me?"

Well shit, if that didn't spur a serendipitous moment in Herman's large square head. He then realized that insults had to be a little more personal to invoke outrage in the victim. From nowhere he pulled out the coupe de grace of all insults, "You two are fucking fagots." Far be it for me to correct the poor bastard. I replied with, "Hell yea! I'm going to suck his dick right now. Would you like to come and watch. Maybe even lick his ass or jiggle his balls?"

Interestingly enough my friend smiles. Now he would suggest that he knew I was going to continue to fuck with Herman 'till Grandpa (Munster that is) showed up or my friend's cigarette, or "fag" as the Brits say, was finished. I, on the other hand, believe he thought I might actually blow him. At this point he seemed extremely irritated with my friend and gave him some weird "I want to kick your ass" stare. Yeah... and we have the fucking staring problem. Now it maybe the case that he had some kind of vision disability and really was looking at me. I don't know and don't give a shit so let me move on.

So to refrain my verbosity I'll cut this story short. We ended up not fighting. I was slightly bothered by the fact that Herman's friends thought we should leave before my friend was done with his smoke. My friend finished and we went inside. The Munsters went who knows where.

Great, now the pseudo diatribe. This conflict really didn't have an effect on the night at all. We ended up having a rather good time. Yet, I'm rather perplexed by the incident. Here is why. Our ambivalence as a people terrifies me. The fact of the matter is, people (particularly of male persuasion) tend to accept homosexuality until they have a need to make the quintessential insult. It typically goes one of two ways; either, I'm predisposed to needing to suck cock or the male challenger insists I suck his. The later approach always amuses me. I love the idea that by making me performing a homosexual act on them, somehow it makes me the "fag." Call me naive, but this axiom would actually suggest the inverse.

At the end of the day, a man or a woman shouldn't have to atone for any sexual "position" they happen to acquiesce. Unfortunately, I am not a great crusader of the gay cause. One, I really like pussy, and two I really like pussy. Yet, here is the seriousness of the matter. I can't pretend to understand the totality of the hatred directed at gays and lesbians. Herman's mindset is most likely not isolated. While I'm not deranged enough to believe acceptance is a possibility in my lifetime, I can only hope that tolerance rears its ugly head.

From Airforce One to Thrown One... All in a day's work!

Have you ever wondered what is the best way for a Government to inform the public of issues like the insane $700 Billion Gazillion dollar bailout plans or other stupid ideas like the "Internet Safety Act"? Well, the White House has the answer... its very own blog! You must check out the ever popular The White House Blog. They haven't turned comments on yet, but I for one can't wait. What is going to be really cool is when I can follow Barack on twitter. I can see it now:

• I have to get ready for my 8:00 meeting. 7:30 A.M. Feb. 24, 2009
• They are going to have to wait... Time for the presidential poo! 7:35 A.M. Feb. 24, 2009

Oh wait, I guess he's already on twitter (here). Freakin' awesome! No presidential poo yet but I'm sure it will come.

Count Your Sheep, Don't Fuck`EM

Have you ever had one of those dreams where your teeth feel extremely brittle and fragile? As you try to ignore the feeling and focus on the situation at hand, only to realize that your teeth are crumbling in your mouth. A deep sense of anxiety sets in and panic attack is not far behind. If you have ever experienced this, then you know as well as I do, you're one fucked up individual who should consider seeking professional help. Quit having these dreams already... Seriously, do you know anyone who has the uncontrollable urge to pontificate on every detail of every boring, unimaginative and stupid dream they ever have? That's all I have to say on this subject. Really, I just wanted to write a post that had a title about fucking sheep. Hmm... Maybe this post is revealing some deep down subconscious urge. I hope not! Anyways, this reminds me of a dream I had this one time...

Internet Killed the TV Star

It looks like I have two days left of TV watching before all the broadcasters in my area switch over to digital-only transmissions. Damn you HD-Ready TV! Now what am I supposed to do with those rabbit ears? As a side note, "rabbit ears" would have made a great daily fun word. The truth is, this transition is of no real consequence to me. In the last six months I have watched: one primary debate, a presidential debate and the Super Bowl. Needless to say, Nielson wouldn't get much data from this household.

Interestingly enough, not watching the "boob" tube carries a certain stigma that can result in a public flogging, depending on the social setting. Once, an in-law asked me, "Well, if you don't watch TV then what do you do?" Oh yeah, I'm the jerkoff, because I didn't realize that my television had a direct effect on the obliquity of the earth. I apologize if winter lasts an extra 150 years, my bad! Seriously, somehow the inability to have a conversation about a character on the show "24" makes me look like an alien from outer space. Again, my alien reference is going to be weak since I don't watch Star Trek or read any sci-fi novels.

I have to ask, who the fuck would want to watch a show that cataloged some shit head's life for a 24 hour period? The six to eight hours of this asshole sleeping makes for some real great programming. How does a show like this stay on network television? The first time this Jack guy has an unexpected hard-on and a Sunday paper the FCC is going to get a few calls. Ten minutes into the show he is going to be flipping to the first underwear model add and beating his dick like it owed him money. Janet Jackson's nipple has nothing on a guy spanking to some plus size models. I'm disgusted just thinking about it. Sorry for the tangent there. So, to answer the original question about what I do, in short I waste time on the fucking internet.

Elephant vs. Cat... Elephant wins!

Vodka is the only alcohol I drink chilled. Otherwise, I prefer my liquor, beer, and wine at room temperature. This isn't really relevant to my post today; I just figured I would throw this out there should you ever feel the need to make me a drink. Anyways, I'm taking a hiatus from all political discussions with my coworkers. My only conclusion on this subject is that you cannot judge a person's intelligence by their political views (or religious views for that matter). It just cannot be done.

This brings me to an interesting story (at least to me). I should preface this story with a little fact about myself when it comes to debating politics. Typically, I try to figure out what position you are taking, take the opposite one, and badger you until you get annoyed and drop the subject. I'm particularly effective at pissing off "conservative" Republicans. As an engineer, I tend to run into Republicans much more frequently; therefore, I have more practice with them.

Anyway, today while listening to the normal mindless ramblings of the coworkers; "Obama is going to ruin the country", "Bush was really a 'RINO' (Republican in Name Only)", "All environmental policy is a socialist conspiracy", blah, blah, blah... then the most interesting statement was made. Apparently, one of my colleagues honestly and truly believes that the Democratic party is directly responsible for the death of their cat. I really wish I was trying to make a terrible joke.

I suggested that the DNC sanctioned a contract hit on the unlucky feline. Nope, nothing that "crazy". So, I made the suggestion again that surely a G. Gordon Liddy style execution was planned by the Dems to take out the cat. Okay, now I am assured that this is not the case. So what was the big scandal? Great question... Unfortunately, I jumped the gun and caused my coworker to quit talking about it. Not the best story but that's all I have today.

Okay so I lied!

Between this blog and the now defunct "The Daily Fun Word" blog, I realize I might have a commitment issue. So, to this end, I did a little research and found a "New York Times" article about how to be a good blogger. Let's see exactly why I'm not a good blogger. (I'm just going down the list of tips they give for the mentally impaired)

1. Don’t expect to get rich: Okay, I adhere to this tip rather profusely. Not only do I not expect to get rich, I expect to generate "0.0" income. (Five bonus points the person who get the 0.0 reference. It is only one of the funniest movies of all time.)
2. Write about what you want to write about, in your own voice: I don't even know WTF this means. Yeah that's right, I busted out the vernacular of the internets.
3. Fit blogging into the holes in your schedule: Hmm.... Well, this is definitely not a problem. I'm starting to think this article is bullshit.
4. Just post it already: Okay, now we're getting somewhere. I should post things to my blog. This makes the blog intrinsically better. I'll take this one to heart
   
5. Keep a regular rhythm: While the article is referring to the frequency one posts; I'll take this one step further, I'll dance while I type my posts as well. The rest of this post will be typed while I do a Shakira style belly dance. Sweet!
6. Join the community, such as it is: The general gist of this rule is to link to other people's blogs. I'm afraid I can't do this. One, I quit reading most other peoples blogs, and two I'm too lazy to read other peoples blogs. I'm starting to see why I don't get much traffic.
7. Plug yourself: To be honest I stopped reading this article because it sucked. So, the only thing I can think to say to the author of this stupid article is, "Go plug yourself".

Okay, granted this is not the best post; it is the best I have today. As an update to my personal life, I did finally join Facebook. Interestingly enough, I know absolutely nobody on there.

Time to brush off the cobwebs.

“Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut” --Ernest Hemingway. So here I am again trying not to let blog number two die by the wayside. I spend so much of my time being silly and running around with my almost one year old (she turns the big 01 on Dec 12) there really hasn't been much of a need to B.S. in the land of the Internets. However, I'm always good for a little of the ultraviolence.

Since all good topics have seemed to escape me at the moment let me tell you about my new found affinity for reading fiction. I should preface this topic by saying that I typically read non-fiction books with historical themes and haven't really developed a true appreciation of fiction books until recently. The last three fiction books I've read in the last couple of months have been: “The Grapes of Wrath”, “Crime and Punishment”, and “Great Expectations”. All three of these books are extremely easy to read if you've never read them.

For old readers of my blog, all three of you ;), don't worry I'm not going to turn this thing into a book club. I just need a little time to get back into the swing of things. Don't worry my assholery dick and fart jokes will be back in no time.