From Airforce One to Thrown One... All in a day's work!

Have you ever wondered what is the best way for a Government to inform the public of issues like the insane $700 Billion Gazillion dollar bailout plans or other stupid ideas like the "Internet Safety Act"? Well, the White House has the answer... its very own blog! You must check out the ever popular The White House Blog. They haven't turned comments on yet, but I for one can't wait. What is going to be really cool is when I can follow Barack on twitter. I can see it now:

• I have to get ready for my 8:00 meeting. 7:30 A.M. Feb. 24, 2009
• They are going to have to wait... Time for the presidential poo! 7:35 A.M. Feb. 24, 2009

Oh wait, I guess he's already on twitter (here). Freakin' awesome! No presidential poo yet but I'm sure it will come.

Count Your Sheep, Don't Fuck`EM

Have you ever had one of those dreams where your teeth feel extremely brittle and fragile? As you try to ignore the feeling and focus on the situation at hand, only to realize that your teeth are crumbling in your mouth. A deep sense of anxiety sets in and panic attack is not far behind. If you have ever experienced this, then you know as well as I do, you're one fucked up individual who should consider seeking professional help. Quit having these dreams already... Seriously, do you know anyone who has the uncontrollable urge to pontificate on every detail of every boring, unimaginative and stupid dream they ever have? That's all I have to say on this subject. Really, I just wanted to write a post that had a title about fucking sheep. Hmm... Maybe this post is revealing some deep down subconscious urge. I hope not! Anyways, this reminds me of a dream I had this one time...

Internet Killed the TV Star

It looks like I have two days left of TV watching before all the broadcasters in my area switch over to digital-only transmissions. Damn you HD-Ready TV! Now what am I supposed to do with those rabbit ears? As a side note, "rabbit ears" would have made a great daily fun word. The truth is, this transition is of no real consequence to me. In the last six months I have watched: one primary debate, a presidential debate and the Super Bowl. Needless to say, Nielson wouldn't get much data from this household.

Interestingly enough, not watching the "boob" tube carries a certain stigma that can result in a public flogging, depending on the social setting. Once, an in-law asked me, "Well, if you don't watch TV then what do you do?" Oh yeah, I'm the jerkoff, because I didn't realize that my television had a direct effect on the obliquity of the earth. I apologize if winter lasts an extra 150 years, my bad! Seriously, somehow the inability to have a conversation about a character on the show "24" makes me look like an alien from outer space. Again, my alien reference is going to be weak since I don't watch Star Trek or read any sci-fi novels.

I have to ask, who the fuck would want to watch a show that cataloged some shit head's life for a 24 hour period? The six to eight hours of this asshole sleeping makes for some real great programming. How does a show like this stay on network television? The first time this Jack guy has an unexpected hard-on and a Sunday paper the FCC is going to get a few calls. Ten minutes into the show he is going to be flipping to the first underwear model add and beating his dick like it owed him money. Janet Jackson's nipple has nothing on a guy spanking to some plus size models. I'm disgusted just thinking about it. Sorry for the tangent there. So, to answer the original question about what I do, in short I waste time on the fucking internet.

Elephant vs. Cat... Elephant wins!

Vodka is the only alcohol I drink chilled. Otherwise, I prefer my liquor, beer, and wine at room temperature. This isn't really relevant to my post today; I just figured I would throw this out there should you ever feel the need to make me a drink. Anyways, I'm taking a hiatus from all political discussions with my coworkers. My only conclusion on this subject is that you cannot judge a person's intelligence by their political views (or religious views for that matter). It just cannot be done.

This brings me to an interesting story (at least to me). I should preface this story with a little fact about myself when it comes to debating politics. Typically, I try to figure out what position you are taking, take the opposite one, and badger you until you get annoyed and drop the subject. I'm particularly effective at pissing off "conservative" Republicans. As an engineer, I tend to run into Republicans much more frequently; therefore, I have more practice with them.

Anyway, today while listening to the normal mindless ramblings of the coworkers; "Obama is going to ruin the country", "Bush was really a 'RINO' (Republican in Name Only)", "All environmental policy is a socialist conspiracy", blah, blah, blah... then the most interesting statement was made. Apparently, one of my colleagues honestly and truly believes that the Democratic party is directly responsible for the death of their cat. I really wish I was trying to make a terrible joke.

I suggested that the DNC sanctioned a contract hit on the unlucky feline. Nope, nothing that "crazy". So, I made the suggestion again that surely a G. Gordon Liddy style execution was planned by the Dems to take out the cat. Okay, now I am assured that this is not the case. So what was the big scandal? Great question... Unfortunately, I jumped the gun and caused my coworker to quit talking about it. Not the best story but that's all I have today.

Okay so I lied!

Between this blog and the now defunct "The Daily Fun Word" blog, I realize I might have a commitment issue. So, to this end, I did a little research and found a "New York Times" article about how to be a good blogger. Let's see exactly why I'm not a good blogger. (I'm just going down the list of tips they give for the mentally impaired)

1. Don’t expect to get rich: Okay, I adhere to this tip rather profusely. Not only do I not expect to get rich, I expect to generate "0.0" income. (Five bonus points the person who get the 0.0 reference. It is only one of the funniest movies of all time.)
2. Write about what you want to write about, in your own voice: I don't even know WTF this means. Yeah that's right, I busted out the vernacular of the internets.
3. Fit blogging into the holes in your schedule: Hmm.... Well, this is definitely not a problem. I'm starting to think this article is bullshit.
4. Just post it already: Okay, now we're getting somewhere. I should post things to my blog. This makes the blog intrinsically better. I'll take this one to heart
   
5. Keep a regular rhythm: While the article is referring to the frequency one posts; I'll take this one step further, I'll dance while I type my posts as well. The rest of this post will be typed while I do a Shakira style belly dance. Sweet!
6. Join the community, such as it is: The general gist of this rule is to link to other people's blogs. I'm afraid I can't do this. One, I quit reading most other peoples blogs, and two I'm too lazy to read other peoples blogs. I'm starting to see why I don't get much traffic.
7. Plug yourself: To be honest I stopped reading this article because it sucked. So, the only thing I can think to say to the author of this stupid article is, "Go plug yourself".

Okay, granted this is not the best post; it is the best I have today. As an update to my personal life, I did finally join Facebook. Interestingly enough, I know absolutely nobody on there.

Time to brush off the cobwebs.

“Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut” --Ernest Hemingway. So here I am again trying not to let blog number two die by the wayside. I spend so much of my time being silly and running around with my almost one year old (she turns the big 01 on Dec 12) there really hasn't been much of a need to B.S. in the land of the Internets. However, I'm always good for a little of the ultraviolence.

Since all good topics have seemed to escape me at the moment let me tell you about my new found affinity for reading fiction. I should preface this topic by saying that I typically read non-fiction books with historical themes and haven't really developed a true appreciation of fiction books until recently. The last three fiction books I've read in the last couple of months have been: “The Grapes of Wrath”, “Crime and Punishment”, and “Great Expectations”. All three of these books are extremely easy to read if you've never read them.

For old readers of my blog, all three of you ;), don't worry I'm not going to turn this thing into a book club. I just need a little time to get back into the swing of things. Don't worry my assholery dick and fart jokes will be back in no time.

Rabbit Stew... It's What's for Dinner

I sure did pick a good year to take up gardening. A salmonella outbreak linked to fresh tomatoes sold in the U.S. has caused many suppliers to yank stock off the shelves (Read Here). Wow... so the worst thing about a fast food cheese burger isn't the disgusting grade F meat or the oily imitation cheese. Nope, apparently it is the fresh tomato slice that makes you sick. Anyway, I think I'm starting to get too attached to my vegetable garden and it is affecting my personality.

You have no clue how much hatred and disdain a grown man could have for a rabbit. I not only want to catch the cock sucking rabbit who is munching on one of my jalapeño plants, but I want to go all "Guantanamo Bay" on this little fucker. First, I would start by pulling out his finger nails one by one. Then I would water board the little bastard until he told me where his garden terrorist cell hideout is. I swear to God he is the same condescending prick rabbit from the Winnie the Pooh stories. Either way, by the end of the week I hope my only concern is what goes better with rabbit stew, rosemary or oregano? Obviously rosemary.